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123 ways to consume milk
The most important article ever written.


1. Drink it from the carton.

2. Do a handstand and have an assistant pour it into your ears.

3. Slurp it through a bamboo straw.

4. Fill a supersoaker with it, pump it up and shoot vertically. Tip your head back, flare your nostrils and catch as much as you can in them.

5. Replace a gardener's weed-killer bottle with it. When they spray the garden, hopefully there'll be some splash-back which you can lick off the patio.

6. Stir some into your popcorn.

7. Freeze it, have it on a biscuit.

8. Vaporise it and inhale it.

9. Confuse it with your eye drops next time you get hay fever.

10. Replace the serum in your anti-flu jabs with it.

11. Dehydrate it, build a house out of it, and when it rains, go outside and lick the walls.

12. Take a spoonful, heat it over a flame and inject it into your veins.

13. Mix it with clay, shape it into a teapot and put it in a kiln. Eat the teapot.

14. Soak some tobacco in it and smoke it.

15. Go into a chemistry lab, steal some equipment. Fill a water dispenser with it and then plug a Bunsen burner into the tap. Turn it on and proceed to stick the fine spray of it into every part of your body you can think of.

16. Go to France, replace every grape in a field with a paintball filled with it, wait until that year's wine is available to the public and search for the bottles from the field you tampered with, and buy them. Then, after a romantic dinner, share it with someone while watching the sunset.

17. Go to Russia, pretend to be drunk and pour a bottle of it into your eye.

18. Convince a group of military scientists into believing it is a biological weapon, and after a few years development, volunteer to be one of the test subjects.

19. Leave it in the sun for a few hours to go off. Once it becomes lumpy enough, give it to little kids with catapults to shoot at you.

20. Drink it while wearing a Mexican hat.

21. Start a new religion where an annual feast consisting only of dairy products is absolutely mandatory.

22. Fill a load of balloons with it and drop them on a crowd of protesters. Soon enough, they'll do it back to you.

23. Velcro yourself to the ceiling, suspended over a bathtub of it, in a house right next to a train track. Wait till the next train comes, and hope the vibration is enough to make you fall.

24. Jump from a helicopter into your back yard, landing head-first into a carefully placed beaker of it.

25. Fill one of those kiddie swimming pools of it and place it under a bridge. Collect some old knickers and tie them together into a long cord, then use that to bungee jump periodically dipping your head into the pool.

26. Fill a fire-engine with it without anyone noticing. Set fire to your house, and when the fire brigade arrive, drink up.

27. Travel back in time to meet Jesus. Join his party, but then kindly remind him you don't drink wine, and would he please turn your water into milk instead.

28. Capture a fly, and put it in a box. Then, put that box in a bigger box. And then mail that box to yourself, and when it gets to your house, smash it with a hammer. Then, drink some milk.

29. Run a marathon in a giant milk carton suit. Hopefully this will distract everyone enough for them not to notice you pumping it up your own anus.

30. Explain to a prostitute that you have milk-fetish.

31. Contract a rare form of cancer in which the only cure is milk.

32. Obtain a nuke, and hold the entire nation hostage. After negotiation, agree to trade the nuke for a pint of milk. Everyone will think you're crazy, however, you will have already armed the bomb and fled the country. Leaving them dead, and you with a pint of milk.

33. Grow a few extra arms and join a freak show in which your act is drinking gratuitous amounts of milk.

34. Launch an ad-campaign claiming that the cure to all problems is milk. Then, watch the advert yourself.

35. Launch an ad-campaign claiming that the source of all problems is milk. As farms begin to go out of business, you should be able to obtain milk at bargain prices. Soon, milk will become the new currency. Buy some shares in a promising business and wait a few years. Finally, when no one's expecting it, withdraw your savings and pump it all into your blood.

36. Go to a milk-bar and ask for some full-fat organic white stuff.

37. Go to a star-trek convention and laugh at some loners. Soon, they'll start throwing stuff at you. Eventually, if you keep provoking them, they might, might throw some milk.

38. Change several words of your national anthem to milk. Have the new lyrics printed on a huge banner, which you will then eat.

39. Grow a beard and stash a secret bottle of it in there.

40. Discover that your milk is no ordinary milk, but The Milk. Milk that turns you invisible when you wear it. The One Milk to rule them all, One Milk to find them, One Milk to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Explain this to a few dwarves and set them the task of joining you in taking it back to the farm where it was created, where it must be cast it into the only milk-container that will truly destroy it. Soon enough, you'll be overwhelmed and corrupted by its power, and drink the milk.

41. As a prank, fill an advent calendar with those little milk samples you get for putting in tea at cafés instead of chocolate. If you get snowed in before Christmas, your supplies will begin to run out, and eventually you will be forced to eat the chocolate in your advent calendar early simply to survive, but when you come to open it, oh no! It's full of rancid milk samples! Enjoy.

42. Become an astronaut and empty a milk carton in zero gravity to see what happens. The others on board will most likely expect you to drink up the mess. Alternatively, it will jam your circuit boards and control will be lost, and you will all plummet back to earth with a mighty, milky, thud.

43. Employ a hypnotist to convince you that milk tastes better than alcohol.

44. Take a nice long bath in it. A slight amount will be absorbed into your skin!

45. Condense it and use it as toothpaste.

46. Go to Japan and find a milk bottle with a built in Geiger counter. It's bound to exist. From that day forward, always check your milk isn't radioactive. Not that that's going to affect whether you consume it or not.

47. Encase your body in lead, and after some jolly good fumbling about to get the carton open, pour milk in your hair at Chernobyl.

48. Enter a chess championship. Every time a crucial move is being thought out, slurp your milk REALLY loudly, putting the opponent off, and leading you to victory.

49. Become vegan and drink some Soya milk. It's still milk, you know. It says so.

50. Marry a goat. In bed one night, suckle on its nipples, and sure enough you'll get a tasty treat. Plus the bonus of hoof marks all over your chest.

51. Phone childline and tell them your uncle put milk in your ‘special place'. Soon you'll be moved to a foster home where they serve you free milk at breakfast. Scream and point outside one morning, claiming there are thousands of Zulus outside, and while everyone's distracted, steal their milk.

52. Paint a blimp white and write milk on the side. Inside it, drink some milk.

53. Go to china and endure an adaptation of Chinese water torture, where a single drop of milk hits the same place on your forehead every second for 24 hours. By the end, you'll feel quite milky indeed.

54. Fall into a hole and vomit yourself to death. You may (or may not) be reincarnated into a calf and have the opportunity to drink lots of milk. And then be slaughtered.

55. Take a gaseous sample and put it into a mass spectrometer. After the ionisation phase, the fast-moving particles will be distorted by the electromagnet and you'll be able to direct only certain isotopes into your mouth.

56. Line up milk bottles at the end of a bowling alley instead of pins. Lie down on a skateboard and strap a fire extinguisher to your back. Hit the head of the canister and you'll be blasted at high speed into the milk. If you're lucky you may even get glass lodged in your brain.

57. Go joyriding in one of those world-record landspeed vehicles with the rockets on the back. Now you can consume milk at 700 miles an hour!

58. Collect ALL the milk of the world and fill the crater of an active volcano with it. Assuming it hasn't dried up, at the next eruption you'll get a nice little shower.

59. Attempt suicide by milk overdose.

60. Attempt suicide by milk underdose. You'll get put in an asylum where they'll regularly force-feed you milk. Or you'll just starve to death.

61. Join a group of cannibals and share some milk with the others. Then murder and eat them all.

62. Stir it into some Earl Grey tea.

63. Stir it into some mint tea so that it tastes horrible. Give it to a friend and open your mouth. They'll cough and spit it out all over you.

64. Stir it into some icing sugar and cover a cake in it. Send it to yourself and pretend it's from Grandma and that you have to eat it or you'll offend her.

65. Wrestle a crocodile with your bare hands. If one gets bitten off, instead of getting a hook in its place, get a milk bottle. When an idiot in green clothes forces you to walk the plank, drink the milk and throw the bottle at him, possibly giving him concussion and you the chance to escape, and refill your hand with milk.

66. Use it to gulp down some steroids.

67. Get motoneuron. Demand to be euthanised by connecting yourself up to an IV drip full of milk.

68. Use a tattooing needle full of it to make pretty patterns on your backside.

69. Have a milkshake.

70. Cut a patch of skin out and replace it with a thin membrane which allows you to slowly absorb it.

71. Inject it into your scrotum.

72. Dribble it down your legs and let it seep in over the course of a few hours.

73. Freeze it into the shape of a bullet and have someone shoot you.

74. Buy some used toilet paper on ebay. Soak it in milk and then eat the paper. Yum yum.

75. Shoot yourself out of a cannon straight into the bowels of a cow.

76. French kiss a calf that has just been drinking from its mother.

77. Dehydrate it. Roll up a five pound note and snort it.

78. Eat the dehydrated stuff with a spoon.

79. Load it into a water cannon and blast it through your ears.

80. Compress it to 1,000 times atmospheric pressure and release it all in your stomach.

81. Superheat it and let it burn through your skull.

82. Drink it from the beak of one of those crazy looking seagulls with the massive beaks. Y'know the ones I mean.

83. Carbonated milk. With ice.

84. Carbonated milk sprayed all over the place, after winning a race.

85. Feed unnecessary amounts of it to your friend and then go on a rollercoaster behind them, so that they puke it all up and it gets thrown into your face.

86. Divorce the goat and marry a turnip. She won't mind you licking out an old milk carton behind her back. Unlike that damn goat.

87. Rub it all over your chest like lotion.

88. Wash your hair with it.

89. Have a medieval battle using frozen milk instead of steel. When you get cut you might have some melt on you.

90. Have a latte.

91. Snort a latte.

92. Snort a milkshake.

93. Stick a straw in both nostrils and breathe in quickly, trying to snort both a latte and a milkshake at once.

94. Using a thin tube, carefully remove the liquid from inside your eyeball and replace it with milk. Then, insert too much and cause your eye to expand to hundreds of times its original size. When the moment is right, jab it with a pin and let milk go everywhere!

95. Freeze it and grind it into powder. Using a make-up brush, dust this onto your cheeks.

96. If you're feeling very adventurous, pour a bit onto some cereal.

97. Have a friend post a carton to you every day for several years. Attach a machine to your letterbox that pierces every parcel and empties it over the floor. Hide in the basement and be patient. Soon your ground floor will begin to flood, and it'll get deeper and deeper until eventually the floor will give in, covering you with milk.

98. Replace the airbag in a car with an exploding milk canister. Go crash your car.

99. Get chucked into a Victorian nut-house and undergo their ‘treatment' of being blasted with water. Naturally, you need to find a way to replace this with milk.

100. Fill a swimming pool to the brim with milk, and have violent sex with a toaster at the bottom of it. It hurts so badly – but it feels so good!

101. Pour it into your car's petrol tank, and hosepipe the exhaust into the air conditioning. Sit inside and you may now die from breathing milk fumes.

102. Contact some Aztecs and add a few drops of milk into their poison mix that goes on the tip of their darts. When you get shot with a blowgun, you'll have a small amount injected into you.

103. Build a network of pipes out of bamboo on an island, all connected directly to the teets of a cow. Give the cow a good massage and soon the white stuff'll be flowing all over the place, and you can connect a little bamboo tap up and give yourself a drink every now and then. And have a milk-shower in a tropical bikini. And then get corrupt with power and turn the whole thing into and industry where cows are enslaved and milk-bamboos are used as all kinds of weapons. As the creator of this work, sit back on your throne and sip some milk from half a coconut.

104. Fill a bicycle inner tube with it and pump it up. Snap the valve off and shove the stump into your penis.

105. Tap into a milk pipeline and make a leak. Ensure no one repairs this ever. Allow the excess milk to dribble into a cave and return in a few decades, when all the milk has formed stalactites and stalagmites. Snap these off and chew on them. Or if you're feeling adventurous jump from a ledge and impale yourself on one.

106. Pour it into a blender and turn it on. Shag the blender. Bear in mind you can only do this once.

107. Spread the word that the one thing you fear is milk. Become a pharaoh and steal a bunch of people led by an old guy who keeps ranting on about a burning bush. Soon enough he'll get his God to start pelting you with locusts and frogs and hail and turning your water to blood and whatnot, but this won't get you to let his people go, oh no. Then, the final plague will come – milk. All liquids in Egypt will be turned to it, and you'll never ever be able to drink anything but it. Unless, you agree to let the people go, where they'll run away to the Dead Sea which now is made from milk. Chasing after them in your little chariot, their God will part the sea and let them through. You'll run after them, and when you're right in the middle, the walls of milk will come crashing down on you and white will be all, crushing you in the might of God, smitten upon you in a fierce chasm of milk. Orgasmic.

108. Sail a ship of iron in that same sea of milk. Crash into a frozen-milk-iceberg and sink to your milky doom.

109. Start a band called The Cow Milkers. On stage, in one of your gigs, milk a cow. And toss it everywhere! All over the crowd! All over your suit! All over the electronics! All over your wife and kids.

110. Eat a chocolate bar.

111. Crystallize it and munch it on a stick.

112. Lift a bike off the ground and turn the pedals in a top gear, dip the spinning tyre into a bath of milk and let the delightful muddy spray engulf you.

113. Snort the carbonated milk. It stings your nose, you know.

114. Employ a mosquito to feast on a dead body in which you've drained all the blood and replaced it with warm milk. The next person to be munched on will get traces of it in them, along with possible malaria.

115. In Soviet Russia, milk consumes YOU!!

116. Tip tonnes and tonnes of powdered milk into the atmosphere, so that all the clouds are filled with it and next April Shower it rains milk all day. And if we're REALLY lucky, we may even get milk-snow. And then milk hail.

117. Instead of oil, deep fry your chips in milk.

118. Leave an orange pip in some milk and it'll grow. Grow into a huge tree, solely fed on milk. Soon enough you'll be able to have milk flavoured oranges, yum.

119. Travel to Jurassic Park. Feed an itsy bitsy dinosaur on some milk. And again, all the way to adulthood, and then get eaten. You can drink your way out of its milk stomach lining!

120. Drink some MILK FLAVOURED POWERTHIRST!

121. Visit a hospital and find someone with chronic diarrhoea, and give them tons and tons of milk. It'll go straight through their system, straight into your mouth.

122. Use it as mouthwash, a slight amount will be left in your mouth, surely.

123. Rape the milkman. He may do just about anything to get you to stop. The possibilities are endless.



And if all of the above fails, you could just drink a glass of water instead.




Author: mitxela
This page was uploaded on 08/11/07

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