See, I’m sitting here, staring at the half finished project of mine in Word, doing nothing. I’ve been looking at it for hours without a clue what to write next. And, I figure, here are my options:
a) Keep on “working” on it – that is, stare at it for another few hours with no progress at all. b) Go off and do something more constructive. There’s a list of a hundred things I have to do by tomorrow, and if I did them now, I’d instantly make progress. c) Take a “break” in the hope it refreshes my mind and gets me to work by the time I come back. Which never works.
And I always say, better go with a. And then, hours later, I’m still staring at it. With no progress.
So the next time, I think, better go with b. Get that stuff done. And I get it done. But the homework, the thing I really needed to do is still there!
And thus, I find myself, at half past two in the morning, starting my homework. Only to stare at it for five more hours – and in the last ten minutes write something pathetic, have breakfast, put my coat on and leave for school.
It’s just... unproductive. Tiring. Wasteful. Pointless. If only I could control my productivity. Ha.
See, I figured just why this happens. An English assignment, to them, means speed, lack of artistic originality, formality. Which I just can’t do. My writing just doesn’t exist without figure. It’s impossible – physically impossible – for me to write without figure. I can’t analyse poetry with such formality – I can’t help it. It just comes out like it does from me.
And I sit for hours staring at that screen because I want to write – but I literally can’t until my subconscious gives me the words. It’s writing without thought – and for poetry appreciation, that’s not good.
I get that writing burst for essays only when I’m tired as hell, and am under desperate pressure to finish. Because that’s the time I’m forced to write absolutely anything, because I have to. When I’m rushed like that, and too tired to think, my writing sounds speedy and sounds as if it has no figure. Which gives the impression of what they want.
It gets low marks, but at least it’s done.
And then the next day, I’m even more tired. I can get the next project done faster and to even less quality – but when something turns up that needs quality, I’m hopeless. So I give myself a good night’s sleep. And then I’m stuck for hours on the English homework. Like right now.