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   Once upon a time, there was a highlighter-green coloured penguin. He was different to the other penguins because of his abnormal colour.
   One day, he decided to go for a walk down near the arcade, and while there he was struck dumb by a sign that boldly claimed, "This game is more fun than being launched into a brick wall by your left toe and then being crushed under the weight of five whole elephants"
   So he decided to play.
   Moments later, he was in casualty diagnosed with concussion and multiple broken bones. Still, he was fine the next day, because his highlighter-green skin/fur gave him radical healing powers.
   He then went on to sue the company that made the game, stating it wasn't as fun as the sign had claimed.
   "It doesn't apply to highlighter-green penguins" said the lawyer, "it's only tested on regular-colour humans."
   Our highlighter-green penguin burst with rage.
   "You always say that! Why am I doomed to live as an outcast? Why am I doomed to walk this life alone? Huh?"
   The court ruled against, and at that moment, he decided to take action, not only for the other highlighter-green penguins, but for all the completely retarded-colour penguins of the world.
   His first move was to eat fourteen pounds of freshly picked blueberries. Why this helped, none of his comrades were sure, and many of them decided to leave his protest after seeing the horrific overdose-induced diarrhoea he suffered from afterwards.
   Even so, to this day he promotes the idea of starting a protest with a healthy overdose of fruit.
   His next move was to bring down the opposition by hurling tomatoes and shards of broken glass at the Whitehouse, and subsequently, he was arrested.
   After three months in jail, and another 18 months given to him because he was funny-looking, he chose to give up on his first plan, and move on to the back-up
   He would become the coolest highlighter-green penguin pimp that ever pimped.
   After five years of very successful business, he was world-renowned as the greatest penguin alive, in any shade of green. Our reported managed to catch him in an interview.
   "Is it true you were born in India?"
   "Yes, of course, haven't you noticed I'm HIGHLIGHTER-GREEN?"
   "Oh, of course. So how's business?"
   "Business is booming. We're importing a load of Mexicans in this Tuesday, they're great for the industry. Very cheap labour"
   "Fascinating."



   Terry was your average penguin. Totally average. No highlighter-green fur, no ability to fly on bank holidays, and certainly no paintings of Tony Blair on his bedroom wall. Nothing.
   Terry was your completely average, boring, black 'n white fisheater. But Terry had a dream.
   "Hey Terry," his mate would say, "still aiming for the stars?"
   "Not today, Billy. I'm sailing down to the local fish store. It's ma birthday, see"
   "Oh? Really? Have a good one, mate" he said, with a chuckle.
Terry got into his car, and casually leaned over to the driver.
   "Jay, I want that penguin killed. Post haste."
   
   Terry had a dream.
   When he got to the fish store, there was certainly something fishy about to happen. It's a fish store. What do you expect?
   Terry drew his weapon. It was the samurai sword he'd concealed in the pocket of his tux, which no one had noticed he was wearing, because he was your down-right average colour penguin.
   The bar-man saw the sword, and ducked, but he was too slow.
   The fellow penguins were all over the place in seconds. Terry swung back and forth like the tail of an excited dog, killing everything in his path.
   Everything - except the one penguin at the back.
   He stood still, and the air froze around him. The swing of the samurai stopped dead in its tracks.
   "UR DOIN IT WRONG" said the Elder. "The mind of a samurai must be honed in to its surroundings. Do not come at me with physical speed - you will never out run me like that. You must be fast in your mind, as well"
   "o rly?" said Terry, raising an eyebrow.
   And with that, he sliced the elder's arm off. Youch.
   "Aiiieeey! Jackie!!!!"
   "Don't you know who I am? I'm the TERRYNAUGHT, FemalePuppy!"
But Terry's swing did not kill the elder penguin. The elder ignored the extreme condition his arm was in, got up, and drew his own weapon.
   "You have made a big mistake challenging me this day. If you can land a single hit on me, then I shall call YOU master."
   "Fine 'en" said Terry, and he leapt towards the elder in the hope to grasp him in a headlock.

   But the elder was too quick.
   With an unnatural leap (for a penguin, anyway) he flew up onto the wooden table and spun into his fighting stance.
   Terry leapt up also, and with all the grace he could muster, span at the elder, crashing down onto the table, which broke.
   "You must be one with nature, not against it!"
   The elder glared at the table, and a little embarrassed, it put itself back together.
   Then the elder leapt towards Terry, and hoping to poke the elder's eyes out, Terry stabbed. The elder’s feet landed on Terry's sword, and for a few moments he balanced there, and hummed the Bulgarian National Anthem. Which isn't a nice tune.
   Then, the elder back-flipped and before Terry could mumble "My, I wish I could do that" the elder was already disarming Terry. In style.

   "IM A STEALIN UR SWORD" he screamed, and held up a picture of a cat.
Terry was shocked. He fell to the floor in shame.
   "How can I learn this skill? How can I? I have never been defeated. Not even by that camera crew filming a documentary for BBC2, who managed to wipe out an entire species of dolphin in under 4.6 seconds. A world record, I might add."
   "You still don't know who I am, do you?" said the elder, with a reminiscent smile.
   "who?"
   "I was once the most pimpin' penguin pimp that ever pimped on the face of the earth."
   There was a pause.
   "What happened?"
   "Some highlighter-green retard came and stole all my penguin whores"
   "Dear lord! What a terribly sad story. Did you miss The Simpsons that day?"
   "I don't watch The Simpsons anymore. The new ones are crap."
At this, Terry fell over again. So did the barman who'd just pulled himself to a standing position. So did all the survivors of Terry's initial manslaughter-rampage, except for Donny Don't, who simply died of shock.
   Terry knew what he had to do. He had to go find this highlighter-green retard, and destroy him. He would wear a yellow suit, and make it into a film with two volumes, and have Quentin Tarrantino direct it. He would call it "Kill Bill", since that sounded better than "Kill the unnamed highlighter-green penguin"

To be continued



Author: mitxela
This page was uploaded on 27/08/07

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